Occasions for grace and truth to burst forth

When people get together face to face rather than on Facebook, with the invocation of the Holy Spirit, their differences become occasions for grace and truth to burst forth. In making sense of it, I drew on my training. Conflict is Augustinian; conflict is nothing but disordered desire, and desire is what moves the stars. The desire between the different persons of the Trinity -- the perfect self-giving love -- is what brought everything into being - Michael Gulker

Reconciliation means getting face-to-face with your adversary.

It’s basic stuff. If we keep running from those we disagree with there is no reconciliation. If we refuse to engage and come to terms quickly, before the sun goes down, there is no reconciliation.

I’ve come across too many priests of the church who now attempt to justify their conflict avoidance. Some in regard to the divisions in the congregation over politics and culture. Others in situations that are more personal where they are parties to the conflict.  The avoidance may be grounded in personal self-righteousness, or lack of competence in conflict management and reconciliation, or fear and discomfort.

This morning’s e-news from Alban at Duke Divinity School included a Faith & Leadership article “Conflict and Christian discipleship” on Michael Gulker’s Colossian Forum approach to conflict.

Here are a few ideas from the article 

Be willing to be wrong together

We confess that all things hold together in Christ, not because of something we did, but because of something that has already been done, and we get to participate in that. To do that well, we know that we have to pray. We have to meditate on the Scriptures, together, across our differences. We need to have a good knock-down, drag-out fight and then come before God and see how we did. 

This is The Colossian Way. It’s coming together to worship and be honest and be willing to get it wrong together. As Stanley Hauerwas said, we worship a God that forgives, so we can tell the truth about our lives.

We can get it wrong. We can tell the truth about when we get it wrong because when we do, we can confess our sins and God is glorified. People have forgotten this. They forget it the moment they walk into a conflict. So to simply remind people of that is gospel. You can watch them light up and taste the gospel. They’ve forgotten it. 

Conflict is nothing but disordered desire

Conflict is Augustinian; conflict is nothing but disordered desire, and desire is what moves the stars. The desire between the different persons of the Trinity -- the perfect self-giving love -- is what brought everything into being.

When that self-giving love gets disordered, it becomes selfish, self-protective, wounded. That’s what conflict is, but conflict is still desire and energy and love of God, however confused. So if you can walk into a conflict knowing that your love needs to be reordered and so does the other person’s, it becomes the opportunity for discipleship. 

Opportunity for Christian virtues

Relationships take time, and if you’re going to engage someone you disagree with over time, you have to cultivate things like patience, humility, gentleness and forbearance. Those are the marks that Paul talks about as worthy of the calling we have in Christ. This is what that life looks like. You don’t cultivate those virtues hanging out with people you agree with. 

What practices help?

And then the next stage is to engage the wicked problem, the adaptive challenge -- the really complicated thing that we’re divided over. And we try to bring the best scholarship and Christian theology into play and pick one facet of the problem and fight like crazy.

If you do that, recognizing that the other is your brother or sister in Christ created in the image of God, then that difference between the two of you is one of different modes of pursuing God. I may think you’re wrong or driving the church off the cliff, but I recognize your goodwill and intent to be faithful, and [you] likewise, the same for me.

I can then be held accountable by you to say, “OK, you believe X. You’re going to have to show me how X leads to a deeper love of God and neighbor, because from where I’m sitting, that doesn’t work.” 

          A Faith & Leadership article “Conflict and Christian discipleship” 

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Postings on conflict 

Occasions for grace and truth to burst forth

When people get together face to face rather than on Facebook, with the invocation of the Holy Spirit, their differences become occasions for grace and truth  to burst forth. In making sense of it, I drew on my training. Conflict is Augustinian; conflict is nothing but disordered desire

Conflict

The parish conflict has moved to level 4 or 5 . There have been blow ups and people are moving among the standard options -- terminate ("I have to get out of this place," withdraw (emotionally, physically - "It's just too painful"), fantasize ("can't we just go back to the way it was?"). 

Grumbling & Conflict

Grumbling can fester and grow into conflict in the parish community. The small irritations can be indulged and become a fight. What wisdom can we find from Saint Benedict? 

Conflict: Side Trips

It's difficult to manage a parish conflict when too many people are taking side trips. Side trips are flights from the actual situation in front of us.

Conflict: Win-Lose

 Conflict at any level rises out of a competition. Two groups or two individuals each wanting something that is in competition with the needs or wants of the other. This is true at all levels of conflict whether we just have a problem to solve or we face an intractable situation. 

Ways of dealing with conflict

This is offered in gratitude for the work of Saint Clement of Rome and Saint Benedict of Nursia. Assessments such as this are not for the purpose of defining reality or making judgments. They are best used to begin structured and disciplined forms of parish conversations.

Caesura: Keeping conflict at 1 & 2

Severe parish conflicts tie up the time and energy of bishops and their staffs while destabilizing the life and ministry of parishes. 

Conflict: Talk about it/Don’t talk about it

The parish had a major conflict several years ago. People left. The rector resigned. Friends were on opposite sides. It was awful! Attempts to “talk about it” have generally resulted in a reactivation of all the feelings and positions that existed during the dispute. 

A stubborn mind

Real parish development isn’t possible when you are of a stubborn mind. Parish development efforts require leaders who are adaptable while at the same time holding firm to the parish’s identity and integrity. 

A stubborn mind 2

Here’s another thought about what can help us clergy with our stubborn minds. Allow yourself to start with the assumption that you are to be obedient. And the starting place for that is to do the daily office for 20 years. 

The Church’s way of reconciliation and forgiveness

What is the church’s way when facing conflict? Is there a pathway of faithfulness we can use to guide us? 

Not listening: I have the power; get reconciled to it

Rectors make decisions all the time that don’t satisfy everyone. And healthy priests and healthy parishes don’t spend excessive energy re-visiting those decisions or trying to get consensus. This is one more area where there’s not a simple answer.

Collaboration 101: Taking a position vs. working with underlying positive concerns

There are a number of skills and methods that are useful when you're trying to have more collaboration and/or to reduce the level of conflict in the parish. Collaboration is probably the hardest style to use because it requires more skill and emotional intelligence than other styles.

The Accommodate – Avoid Parish

There’s a model of conflict styles that looks at two dimensions – the extent of cooperativeness and the degree of assertiveness. 

Collaboration 201

Collaborating has costs. It requires a lot of time and energy. And that means the parties involved need to have the willingness to engage in structured conversations. We need to be willing to work face-to-face with those we disagree with and to listen to them.

Caesura: Grumbling and taking counsel in the parish community

Always There will always be grumbling in the parish. Always. I suspect that the reason Saint Benedict wrote so much about grumbling was because there was so much of it in the monastic community. I doubt Benedict ever believed it would stop.