Margie was assisting at the altar. We had come from the sacristy in a short procession. As we stood behind the altar, I could feel her agitation. “Almighty God, to you all hearts are open, all desires known, and from you no secrets are hid…” I’m wondering what is going on with Margie.
As the lector reads, I notice Steve, Margie’s ex-husband, in the congregation. I know enough about what has happened to know that he isn’t there to ask forgiveness and be reconciled. He’s bitter, angry, and has a violent edge. At the Peace I go out into the congregation, as usual. I go to Steve, shake his hand and place my left hand on his elbow. I lean in and say, “Steve, this isn’t acceptable. Please walk with me to the door.” Thankfully he does. I return to the altar, “Ascribe to the Lord the honor due his Name; bring offerings and come into his courts.”
It’s the only time I ever asked someone to remove themselves from the congregation. He was there to intimidate and frighten. Margie had a right to be safe and comfortable.
Feeling comfortable
The divorce was in the works. The lawyers had completed the necessary documents. It would be over, sort of, in another month. The rector spoke with Jill: “I’m wondering if you’ve thought about settling in at another parish? Being in the same church with your ex won’t be easy. I’ve already heard from others about how uncomfortable they feel.” Jill went to another parish.
Maria and Stan are a couple. Stan ran the program to feed the homeless for the past ten years. Maria led a pastoral care group. Both were good administrators. Two strong parish programs. He was awkward and slightly harsh when trying to recruit parishioners to help out. At times she was “bossy.” The new rector didn’t like their style; wasn’t comfortable with it. Several parishioners felt the same. The rector praised Maria and Stan for their service over the years. And then told them that beginning in the fall there’d need to be a change in leadership. “Some are uncomfortable with your leadership style.” Maria and Stan went to another parish.
Victoria had strong opinions about the state of the parish. Attendance was down and the parish climate seemed discouraged and worried. She wrote about what she saw. The rector and wardens made it clear that this was unacceptable. They and others were offended by what had been written. They started a campaign to discount Victoria’s efforts. Some in the parish stopped talking with her. After a bit another leader came to her, “Your presence on Sunday is making most people uncomfortable. They don’t feel like they can worship with a sense of peace.” Victoria went to another parish.
Same thing as Margie, right? Someone’s not comfortable because of the presence of someone else. The priest or other leaders take action to get the person causing the discomfort to leave.
People we don’t understand, we may not like, and we disagree with
It does have to do with maturity in Christ[i], of growing into the full stature of Christ. The parish church is part of the soil in which we grow. Through sacraments, in prayer, and just having to live and participate in community we are provided the circumstances and resources needed for growth in the Christian life.
In the parish church we get to be in community with people that we don’t understand, we may not like, and we disagree with. What a blessing!
Do you understand the difference?
Do you understand the difference between a situation in which there is a real threat and one in which you feel uncomfortable? The difference between someone entering your place of worship with evil intent and someone who is simply different from you?
In each case you may feel uncomfortable, even unsafe. And that’s the reason why we need to give our feelings respect and critique.
We know that some people feel uncomfortable in the presence of a person of another gender or race. Some get uncomfortable around people who speak another language. All people have biases. We may hide them from ourselves; we may be unaware of them. We all have limited experience. And out of that experience we have preferences and preconceptions. We have learned to be more at ease in some situations and with some people than others.
That doesn’t mean we should discount our feelings. Our feelings may be helpful guides for safety, and also lives of integrity and faithfulness.
Our feelings of discomfort or comfort need to be submitted to the Anglican tradition’s sources of authority—Scripture, Tradition, and Reason. And as we do that most of us come to the conclusion that feelings of discomfort based on race or gender are mistaken guides. We broaden our world.
Most of us see the norms of liberal democracy as the best attainable form of political and social organization that flows from Christian faith. Largely because it addresses our commitment to human dignity while being realistic about human sin and limitation. So, representative government, free speech, separation of powers, rule of law, due process, a constitution and more, are part of the thinking that offers a critique of our feelings. So, we don’t only ask, “Am I uncomfortable?” but also, “What is the right way to act?”
It’s messy, not perfect, but it’s what we have.
An ex-spouse attempting to intimidate a parishioner – not acceptable. The uncomfortable feelings in that case being a useful guide when combined with a knowledge of the people and their history. That’s about creating an appropriate safe space. It allows for the proper harmony of the church.
Expelling people from the worshipping community because of their divorce, their style, or their opinions is creating an unsafe space. It is a perversion of God’s harmony.
Deciding to participate in the life of a parish church is a decision to be with people we don’t understand, we may not like, and we disagree with. It’s a choice we make because at some level we know it’s how we grow up. It’s part of how God would make us holy.
People are upset and hurt
The rationale for shunning and expelling is most often, “people are upset, they are hurt, they feel uncomfortable.” It’s an odd defense. It lacks Christian foundation. It runs counter to the best in American culture.
And, it’s dishonest. Those upset about someone’s divorce, style, or opinions may "feel" hurt. But those shunned and expelled are objectively hurt. In the one case, the difficulty is with their ability to manage their emotions and decide to act like Christians. On the other, actual harm is done.
The national climate
Our nation is once again suffering from intolerance. On the right and left are the zealots with pretensions to greater sanctity. The Pharisees are ascendant.
Attempts to compel behavior that conforms to someone’s ideology has increased. There’s an increase of fear and hesitation on all sides about saying what you actually think. The climate has gradually infected the church. Shunning is normalized. The communication vehicles of most parishes and dioceses are simply propaganda machines.
Still, there are in the church and the nation voices of inclusion and unity, of compassion and empathy, of hope and faith. So, we make choices. Which voices rattling around in our head will be listen to?
The harmony of the church
The harmony of the church is not advanced by getting rid of those with whom we are uncomfortable. The harmony rises as we open ourselves to the love and forgiveness of God and then act as instruments of that love and forgiveness with others. The parish is a training ground in which you learn to love your even your enemies.
What are leaders to do?
Two guideposts --
1. Engage rather than ignore
2. Embrace rather than expel
More specifically --
Explain the nature and purpose of the church to them. That the unity and holiness of the church is not based upon screening people out because you feel uncomfortable in their presence. We listen to one another. We respect the dignity of one another. "See how those Christians love one another!"
If the person claims that they have been offended, guide them in the Christian way of approaching that. Offer to bring them together with “the other.” Offer to go with them. Not so one can try to convince the other about who’s right. But so that they may learn to live in God’s peace with those they disapprove of.
Be absolutely clear within yourself that you will not collude with the least mature people in the parish community. Nurture maturity.
We follow Jesus. We follow the one who is often not understood, not liked, and whom others disagreed with.
rag+
[i] Colossians 1:28-29, Ephesians 4:13-15, 1 Corinthians 14:20
To be in community with people that we don’t understand, we may not like, and we disagree with #2
Resources
Contemplation - Intercession - Action
A nation and world at peace with itself